Youth Victim-Offender Mediation

“I could apologize a million times and mean it every single time. But I know it wouldn’t take away the harm that I’ve caused you and your girlfriend.”

This is what Shawn, 15, said after hearing Jonathan describe what occurred on the night he and Shawn crossed paths.

Jonathan, a young man in his late 20s, had been walking home from a dinner date with his girlfriend Maria when they heard Shawn yelling something from across the street. At first, Jonathan and Maria ignored Shawn’s screams, but soon Shawn approached them both and it became clear that Shawn was disoriented and intoxicated. Jonathan attempted to help Shawn by offering to call someone to pick him up, but Shawn was not in his right mind and the situation soon devolved into violence. Shawn hit Jonathan in the face, pinned Jonathan to the ground and bit him on the arms and legs. Maria’s phone was out of battery, leaving her unable to call 911 while Shawn’s attack continued. A stranger driving by heard their calls for help, pulled over, and separated Shawn from Jonathan. Soon the police arrived and Shawn was arrested.

Shawn was visibly shaken as Jonathan recounted his story in mediation. He was disturbed that he could have behaved in this manner. He didn’t remembered any of it. The night of the incident, Shawn had illegally obtained and over-consumed alcohol to the point where he blacked out.

This case came to CCR through the State’s Attorney’s office as part of a youth diversion program. Jonathan was given the option to participate in mediation. He agreed and confronted Shawn. He expressed that because he didn’t know who Shawn was or why this had happened, he was never sure if Shawn was going to try to find him or one day show up at his home. Jonathan was anxious and stressed and was not sleeping well. He had scars on his body that were a constant reminder of the events of that awful night.

Shawn’s mother Nicole was also present in the mediation. She shared how shocked his family was by this incident. Nicole mentioned that in raising her children, she focused so much on ensuring they were safe and how painful it was for her about the frightening actions of her own son. She felt a sense of guilt and responsibility for Shawn’s actions. She knew he had been struggling and making poor choices – not focusing in school, sneaking out of the house and staying out late. But she did not imagine that Shawn was capable of hurting another person. This incident caused all of them to seek therapy to attempt to understand why and how this happened and what they could do to prevent it from happening again. In therapy, they learned that they were all suffering from PTSD from past traumas and that Shawn had been suppressing a lot of anger and hurt feelings that presented themselves in a violent and unexpected way the night he met Jonathan.

When the mediators asked how each of them could envision a path forward, Shawn repeated many times that he wanted to focus on school, make better choices, stay away from drugs and alcohol, and be a better role model for his nieces and nephews. When the mediators pushed for more specifics, it became clear that he was working on finding the words for his plans and naming the emotions he was experiencing.

Jonathan wanted to reestablish his sense of safety and security. In a private meeting, the mediators asked Jonathan about his level of stress and anxiety now that he’d had a chance to meet with Shawn and talk about the incident. He said that he was feeling much better and that he didn’t feel as scared because he now knew that Shawn was not looking for him and was not going to attack him again. He said it was helpful to talk about the incident and that he was surprised when he learned that Shawn was so young. He wanted Shawn to have a second chance and to see him learn from his mistakes.

When the parties came back together after their private meetings with the mediators, Shawn and Nicole expressed how grateful they were for the opportunity to talk to Jonathan about what happened. They expressed a desire to apologize to Maria and gave Jonathan their contact information in case she wanted to reach out to them.

Nicole tearfully told Jonathan how much he reminded her of the college students she works with every day at her job. She said that seeing him in pain made her think of all the students she cares about and that she wished she could take away the pain that Shawn and her family had caused. She asked Jonathan if she could hug him and they embraced. “I’m so sorry,” she said.

“Thank you,” Jonathan replied.

Shawn reached out to shake Jonathan’s hand, “Thank you for giving me a second chance.”

Jonathan held onto Shawn’s hand and said, “Don’t mess this up.”

“I won’t.” Shawn promised.

This mediation was held at the Cook County Juvenile Temporary Detention Center (JTDC) between Tony, 15, and his father, Oscar. When the mediation began Tony would hardly look at his father, instead choosing to look at the floor and to sit with his back turned toward Oscar. Oscar told the mediator that he and Tony had once been close and how he longed for them to be close again. At the time, Tony was in detention as he had been getting into trouble at home - fighting with his parents and siblings, leaving the house for days at a time without communicating where he was going and bringing guns into the house.

During the mediation, Oscar expressed his desire to rebuild trust with Tony. But when Tony would leave without coming back for two or three days, Oscar felt he could no longer trust his son. He emphasized that he’d come from a generation where children do what their parents tell them to do and he felt shocked and disrespected when Tony would swear at him or yell at him.

When asked about their home and community, Oscar revealed that just over a year ago, he had moved the family from an inner-city neighborhood to the suburbs. Tony struggled to adjust to the new environment. The house was much larger than his childhood home and situated in a quiet area where he knew none of his neighbors. In contrast, their previous home in the city had been in a lively neighborhood, close to Tony's favorite stores and where he could easily meet friends just outside his door.

Living in the new house also meant going to a new school which had a more diverse student population than Tony’s previous school. Tony had a lot of concerns about how he would get along with the other students. He was worried about losing a part of himself and his identity by leaving his old school and neighborhood behind and becoming a part of his new school community.

“We don’t have anything in common. They’re not going to want to be friends with me because they don’t come from where I come from,” Tony explained.

“What if they like that about you? What if you go to your new school and you show up as yourself and they like you for you?” The mediator asked.

“Tony is really smart,” Oscar added. “I think this new school will be a safer place for him to learn.”

Tony seemed pleased to hear his father say that he was smart and as the conversation progressed, Tony started to look at his father more and he started to address him directly. Tony explained to Oscar how all of Oscar’s rules made him feel trapped and disrespected. He wanted freedom and to be understood. But mostly Tony said “I just want someone to listen. And I don’t want to be judged.”

Oscar addressed Tony’s concerns about his rules and explained that when they first moved into the new house, there weren’t so many rules. But since Tony and his siblings kept violating his rules, he kept adding new ones. Oscar wanted to keep his house safe and under control and Tony wanted the freedom, trust and respect to make his own choices.

The biggest revelation happened after the mediator asked a seemingly simple question “I hear you talking about ordering out for dinner a lot. Do you ever cook?”

Tony lit up as he described standing in the kitchen watching and learning from his father how to cook and prepare chicken wings. And Oscar shared how they used to make oatmeal in the morning with lots of fixings on the side and how the whole family would gather and have breakfast together. When the mediator asked why they don’t do that anymore, Oscar and Tony weren’t sure why but said “We should start doing that again.”

When the mediation ended, Tony and Oscar hugged each other and said “I love you.”

Oscar turned to the mediator and said “I learned a lot in this conversation.”

The family is hoping to schedule a second mediation session for all of them to participate in once Tony is back home.