Youth Victim-Offender Mediation

This mediation was held at the Cook County Juvenile Temporary Detention Center (JTDC) between Tony, 15, and his father, Oscar. When the mediation began Tony would hardly look at his father, instead choosing to look at the floor and to sit with his back turned toward Oscar. Oscar told the mediator that he and Tony had once been close and how he longed for them to be close again. At the time, Tony was in detention as he had been getting into trouble at home - fighting with his parents and siblings, leaving the house for days at a time without communicating where he was going and bringing guns into the house.

During the mediation, Oscar expressed his desire to rebuild trust with Tony. But when Tony would leave without coming back for two or three days, Oscar felt he could no longer trust his son. He emphasized that he’d come from a generation where children do what their parents tell them to do and he felt shocked and disrespected when Tony would swear at him or yell at him.

When asked about their home and community, Oscar revealed that just over a year ago, he had moved the family from an inner-city neighborhood to the suburbs. Tony struggled to adjust to the new environment. The house was much larger than his childhood home and situated in a quiet area where he knew none of his neighbors. In contrast, their previous home in the city had been in a lively neighborhood, close to Tony's favorite stores and where he could easily meet friends just outside his door.

Living in the new house also meant going to a new school which had a more diverse student population than Tony’s previous school. Tony had a lot of concerns about how he would get along with the other students. He was worried about losing a part of himself and his identity by leaving his old school and neighborhood behind and becoming a part of his new school community.

“We don’t have anything in common. They’re not going to want to be friends with me because they don’t come from where I come from,” Tony explained.

“What if they like that about you? What if you go to your new school and you show up as yourself and they like you for you?” The mediator asked.

“Tony is really smart,” Oscar added. “I think this new school will be a safer place for him to learn.”

Tony seemed pleased to hear his father say that he was smart and as the conversation progressed, Tony started to look at his father more and he started to address him directly. Tony explained to Oscar how all of Oscar’s rules made him feel trapped and disrespected. He wanted freedom and to be understood. But mostly Tony said “I just want someone to listen. And I don’t want to be judged.”

Oscar addressed Tony’s concerns about his rules and explained that when they first moved into the new house, there weren’t so many rules. But since Tony and his siblings kept violating his rules, he kept adding new ones. Oscar wanted to keep his house safe and under control and Tony wanted the freedom, trust and respect to make his own choices.

The biggest revelation happened after the mediator asked a seemingly simple question “I hear you talking about ordering out for dinner a lot. Do you ever cook?”

Tony lit up as he described standing in the kitchen watching and learning from his father how to cook and prepare chicken wings. And Oscar shared how they used to make oatmeal in the morning with lots of fixings on the side and how the whole family would gather and have breakfast together. When the mediator asked why they don’t do that anymore, Oscar and Tony weren’t sure why but said “We should start doing that again.”

When the mediation ended, Tony and Oscar hugged each other and said “I love you.”

Oscar turned to the mediator and said “I learned a lot in this conversation.”

The family is hoping to schedule a second mediation session for all of them to participate in once Tony is back home.