Girls w/disAbility & Moms Stop Cycle of Violence.

This weekend we were celebrating with a group of women some of whom have participated in Magical Shoes and some who have not and we had a gift exchange.  Sara and her daughter Clara came together to the celebration.  This was a little bit different.  Normally Sara just comes to the celebrations and says Clara could not attend.  We have always encouraged her to come with Clara.   Everyone always asks “how is Clara?”  Clara is 30 some years old but has been overprotected by her mother who loves her dearly.   Clara has several severe disAbilties  and rarely participates in groups because she cannot talk.  Both Sara and Clara have been attending the Magic Shoe affirmation groups.   For the gift exchange everyone was supposed to  just go and pick one of the gifts.  Clara immediately got up and picked a huge gift and then sat down with a big smile.  This called the attention of everyone because usually Clara waits and lets her mother select a gift and give it to her.   Everyone was curious what was happening with Clara?  Clara hugged her gift which was a stuffed reindeer, saying in a voice we have never heard before “mine.”  All of us began laughing with Clara, in joy, as she continued to hug the deer and say clearly, “mine.”   Meanwhile Sara just sat down with a big smile, she allowed Clara to have her moment and to have her big deer. It was a very deer moment for all the rest because we saw the growth which others would have not noticed.  Clara was allowed to participate and enjoy the gift exchange.   Later Sara said. “Well I just realized that Clara is her own person and it made me happy that she could just choose her own gift and enjoy that deer and I did not have to control her.”  Wow, the first steps of letting go of a deep over protection, both mother and daughter left the party happy and all of us left happy thinking about Clara with her big deer and her first words and steps to learning that she is separate from her mother but supported by her mother.  Over protection is a major issue for the mothers in the affirmation groups and through the affirmations of other mothers Sara saw her daughter also as separate from her yet still in relationship with her.  What makes this so important is that without Magical Shoes we would have never heard Clara talk or seen her choose her own gift.  We would not have seen how Sara’s growth affected her daughter’s growth.

Little things mean big steps to mothers and daughters in the Magic Shoes project at Special Families.   Our desire is for mothers and daughters to walk in the shoes of each other and to grow in their relationships.

What is amazing is that all the mothers can identify in others overprotection but if asked if they are overprotective they say no.  Sara did not have to answer that question she had to live it.

And she could only live it by having received affirmation from others.   Clara would have been very uncomfortable if we would have pushed her to go and pick her own gift but because she is growing form her mom’s own letting go she just automatically went for the big deer and never wanted to let go because it was her gift.  Not her mothers. 

Why is this so important? because they walked in each other’s shoes and left feeling happy and other mothers saw that difference.  Hopefully it will continue as a lesson to each of us that we can be supported by others but not have to be controlled by them. 

This gift exchange was part of gg’s  gift to our group of mothers, because in a community everyone is gifted when they see each other grow.  Being a part of The Girl Fund has brought us to consciousness.  We created the program Magical Shoes just for the GlobalGiving campaign.  The fact that there was a campaign for girls made us think and observe our mostly all female programs.  We are aware that the girl with a disAbility is probably at the bottom of every totem pole, but we had never created a program just for girls. That awareness gave us courage to do a program like Magical Shoes and to keep it going this year.  It is now a permanent part of Special Families programs and we have many mothers who want to be part of this group.  The project which is run by mothers to create affirmation groups has taught many about affirmation and the difference between affirmation groups and self-help groups.  Most of our mothers would not attend a self-help group because of the name. They just don’t feel that they can help themselves.  But when asked to be a part of an affirmation group they are willing to work to affirm other mothers and other girls. Really how many of us really know how to affirm others much less ourselves?  If it were not for gg we would not have thought to create Magical Shoes or affirmation groups.  The mothers and daughters love the name of the program and are motivated to be a part of it.  We talk about it breaking the cycles of violence, because most of our mothers have lived through a lot of abuse and they don’t want their daughters to live through this abuse.  However, most of the mothers have hidden their abuse instead of dealing with it.  They want to protect their daughters especially those with a handicap.  This really is normal but what they do not understand at times is that they are overprotecting which can border on abuse and just continues the cycle.  What we are hoping for is that through mutual affirmation women can begin to deal with their past abuse and begin to create relationships with their daughters instead of overprotecting because of fear. We also have the situation where some mothers neglect their daughters with a disAbility out of fear as well and because they feel overwhelmed by the disAbility.  We have great hopes that with more information and affirmation mothers can walk in their daughter’s shoes and their daughters can walk in their mother’s shoes.  There are girls who blame their mothers for their disAbilities and this creates more violence.  These issues are very complex but at least we are starting to deal with them. There is also a societal level.  A lack of acceptance and inclusion of people with disAbilities and of women.  So do the mothers pass on their suffering or do they find a way to guide their daughters in new directions so that their daughters can have a voice like Clara who never spoke before making her own gift choice.  Are we willing to listen to the voices of girls with disAbilites and mothers who have suffered abuse so we can form truly affirming relationships or do we overprotect and block their voices? We want to thank all who have contributed to Magical shoes for giving us an opportunity to even ask this question.  As we all enert into the new decade may we be able to ask hard questions and stand together to begin exploring these questions together.